Driffrenter thanksgiving.
This is our first different thanksgiving. I'm feeling it. The driffrent, as Hannah would call it.
Hannah is my special girl. The child most like me. She is so smart she can't contain her thoughts so she talks a lot and every once in a while if you're really watching you can see her wheels turning and that is a magical thing to watch. I have to remind myself often to go easy on her, she talks like an adult but she is still a child. I often wonder just where her far reaching little mind takes her when she's at school. Me at work, looking out my window, thinking about her. Wishing I could be with her. Hear her.
I used to get excited about the holidays. This year, they've all been hard to swallow. Some things will be the same. Some different. A person missing, this weird hole. You can even miss the things that cause you pain without even trying. But different is okay. Soon it will just be the same. The new normal.
I've been sleeping in my clothes. I am exhausted. Why does it feel like midnight before I even leave work? It's all I can do to clean up dinner then play with my kids. Listen to them talk about themselves and watch their made up skits. Hear Otto tell me he's a lion 800 times. All I can think is stay awake until bedtime, sometimes I don't even make it that far and we all end up waking up tangled together on my bed. Hot, sweating but fighting for the blanket, or fighting to get out of the blanket from 2am until my fourth or fifth alarm goes off and the kids can't take it anymore. We can't stretch the sleep out any further.
The cat scratching the door because my kids shut him out. It makes me miss my dog. Missing my dog makes me miss my old life. The one where I was married and had a dog. Back then when the illusion of hope still filled my tank because next time things would be better.
Now there isn't a next time. It's driffrenter now.
Hannah is my special girl. The child most like me. She is so smart she can't contain her thoughts so she talks a lot and every once in a while if you're really watching you can see her wheels turning and that is a magical thing to watch. I have to remind myself often to go easy on her, she talks like an adult but she is still a child. I often wonder just where her far reaching little mind takes her when she's at school. Me at work, looking out my window, thinking about her. Wishing I could be with her. Hear her.
I used to get excited about the holidays. This year, they've all been hard to swallow. Some things will be the same. Some different. A person missing, this weird hole. You can even miss the things that cause you pain without even trying. But different is okay. Soon it will just be the same. The new normal.
I've been sleeping in my clothes. I am exhausted. Why does it feel like midnight before I even leave work? It's all I can do to clean up dinner then play with my kids. Listen to them talk about themselves and watch their made up skits. Hear Otto tell me he's a lion 800 times. All I can think is stay awake until bedtime, sometimes I don't even make it that far and we all end up waking up tangled together on my bed. Hot, sweating but fighting for the blanket, or fighting to get out of the blanket from 2am until my fourth or fifth alarm goes off and the kids can't take it anymore. We can't stretch the sleep out any further.
The cat scratching the door because my kids shut him out. It makes me miss my dog. Missing my dog makes me miss my old life. The one where I was married and had a dog. Back then when the illusion of hope still filled my tank because next time things would be better.
Now there isn't a next time. It's driffrenter now.
Different is a good way to look at things. I've said many times, "with change comes growth." But with growth comes growing pains. I know this "different" can be painful. I am watching my daughter and grandchildren go through the same "different" this year. And yes, each holiday causes angst. But you will get through it, and yes, it becomes the new normal. You are in my prayers. Love you, Madison. Veronica (aka Mrs. Brand)
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