Using other people as mirrors rather than for a genuine connection is my habit.
I will redirect that by not reaching out for momentary fulfillment but out of genuine opportunity to meaningfully connect in a mutually beneficial way.
I interact with people to see their reaction because I myself am not sure how to react. When I don’t like a reaction I keep going or try to redirect it in order for the person to act in a way I wish I myself could act. It’s like I wanted him to actually fucking leave or stop talking about it. Or else I would wish he could just decide to stay and settle the fuck down.
It was when I didn’t need a mirror anymore that our relationship was over. I knew what my reaction should be. And that whole time we didn’t make a genuine enough connecting for my reaction to be to stay. There were too many instances of failed connection. That was like punching a mirror. Really.
I take shots because I’m afraid to connect. I’m afraid of it because I haven’t had a whole lot of healthy connections in my life, so it’s hard for me.
But I’m learning to connect.
I’m learning to block. To know the difference between work and play. How to throw punches in a healthy way. How to protect my face and move me feet.
Sometimes I even land a good punch. I connect.